Recently, a friend of mine asked, “What’s the point of getting married?” He immediately followed up his own question with this statement: “I’m already committed.”
And then it hit me. I went through the same conflicting situation five years ago (give or take).
I was in this steady relationship with my then boyfriend – now husband, and I had no sense of urgency to walk down that aisle. It wasn’t him. It has always been me.
Ever since I was a young girl, I never wanted to get married. I never daydreamed about that perfect wedding dress, or had a song picked out for the first dance. I never imagined what my husband would look like, for the simple fact that I never wanted a husband.
Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t born with this idea of becoming Miss-I-don’t-need-a-man-cause-I’m-an-independent-woman. Not to say that I don’t have that mentality now; however, that wasn’t exactly the reason behind my logic that I carried at an early age.
To be completely honest, I never wanted to get married, because I didn’t have a marriage to look up to.
I was the little surprise bun-in-the-oven; and ultimately, the reason why my parents had a shotgun wedding. Then they had my brother, and a few years later, decided to get a divorce.
There are many factors that contributed to the demise of my parents’ failed marriage, yet that is neither here nor there, and frankly it doesn’t matter now.
As a child, I found no point in getting married, especially knowing that most of them ended in divorce.
As a young adult, I still had no desire to jump the broom. Despite staying in long-term relationships, and finding myself deeply committed to my previous significant others, I still didn’t want to make anything official. In fact, I often was the one who would end things before reaching the three-year mark, perhaps to avoid the inevitable conversation about marriage.
Then again, maybe they were just shitty boyfriends.
I used to make excuses, and provide all the reasons why I didn’t need to get married. I found myself saying things like, “I don’t need a piece of paper to prove that I’m in a committed relationship,” or “It didn’t work out for my mom and dad, how the hell will it work out for me?”
I even used to say, “Look at Oprah and Stedman. They’re doing just fine without being married.”
Fast forward a few more years, and I find myself in this unexpected relationship with my high school homie. This long-time friend is now my husband, and if I’m being real with you, that shit still trips me out. Even after all these years.
I could provide a sappy love story, or maybe I should save that for another time. Nevertheless, I’m obviously writing this today, with a whole different perspective.
So what made me change my mind?
Personally, I recognized that all the aforementioned excuses had nothing to do with marriage at all. It’s not about having a certificate, or about being tied down. And not all marriages end in divorce.
For me, marriage was the one thing I tried my hardest to stay away from my entire life, and then finding it even more difficult to resist once I found “the one.” It’s so cliche, yet so true.
I knew I wanted to get married the moment I discovered that it was possible to completely love myself. This allowed me to fully love someone else. I decided that there is no point in beating around the bush – this guy is stuck with me, and I ain’t going anywhere.
Yes we had a child together, but that’s not the reason why we got married. I actually wanted to be a mother long before I ever danced around the idea of marriage. But that’s a whole different topic of discussion that we can continue later on.
It seems the pressure to get married is unavoidable as we get older, regardless if you’re single, or in a healthy long-term relationship. But I didn’t marry my husband because I was pressured. It was quite the opposite. He respected my wishes, and stayed with me based on the simple fact that he wanted to be with me, no matter what. One of the many reasons why I love this man.
Sometimes people change, or maybe it’s the people in our lives that change us. All I know is that I woke up one day, and had this unexplainable feeling, forcing me to go against everything that I believed in. I wanted to marry my best friend.
never heard this one before, but “When you know, you just know.”
To my friend, if you happen to be reading this, know that my intentions are not to persuade you into thinking that marriage is the answer, and you must put a ring on it.
You probably know what you want, but you’re terrified at the thought of being married. I know, I’ve been there too. Also, I may be wrong, and you’re just as confused and conflicted as you were the moment the idea originally popped inside your head.
Who knows? Only you do.
All I know is that I discovered that marriage ain’t all that bad. In fact, it’s probably one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Hands down.